Who Am I - On Identity
When you meet someone for the very first time, people often introduce themselves with their name, age, where they live and what they do for living, etc.
My name is Bryan Yu, I’m 42 years old, Korean-American personal coach, living in Los Angeles. If you’re married or have kids, you might want to add that information here as well.
But let’s look at it more closely to see if any of those are really me.
First my name, Bryan isn’t even my birth name, it’s an English named I gave myself when I came to the states. What if I want to change my name again to something else? Am I still Bryan? I wasn’t Bryan before, and might not be later, but I am Bryan for now. Similarly, my age, my occupation, my place of residence, and all of the things that people might consider to be my identity is just as temporary and can change at any time.
What about parenthood? Once you become a parent, that surely will never change until you die, right? Sure, but only as long as you’re with your own children. Are you still a parent when you’re with your parents, or are you a child to your parents? What about when you’re with your partner? Your identity, no matter what you assign it to be, is only temporary and circumstantial.
Mistakes often occur when you fixate on any one identity and falsely believes that’s who you really are. For instance, when you become a CEO of a company, no matter how big or small, and you take on your job title as your identity and believe CEO is who you are. So you start acting like you’re the CEO everywhere you go, ordering people around, making decisions for them, especially with your family members, creating friction and conflict. Furthermore, once you lose their job or retire from the position, you’re likely to struggle to find yourself again and susceptible to depression, stemming from loss sense of your identity.
What, then, is our true identity and how can we find it? Buddhism teaches us there is no such thing as true identity and each one of us are just ourselves, a human being. This is also the essential part of understanding Buddhism and what they refer to as ‘emptiness’. What is an identity of an animal or a plant on a field? Bear’s identity isn’t in its name or its fur. Bear isn’t called a bear to other animals, people just decided to call a group of certain animals that shares certain characteristics by that name. If we start calling a bear a bird, does it all of sudden start flying up the sky? What if we shave off their fur? Each bear is just its own being, nothing more, nothing less.
Instead, our identities are like the clothes we wear, different for different occasions. When you’re working at a coffee shop, you’re a barista; when you’re buying a cup of coffee, you’re a customer. When you’re teaching a class or someone, you’re a teacher, but when you’re learning something new, you’re a student. There is no permanence in any identity and all identities are temporary and circumstantial. So stop fixating on your job title or achievements and don’t be afraid to just be yourself. And next time you find yourself in search of a new job or identity, don’t be afraid to try on different outfits to see which fits you well, not which outfit comes with the best label.
